One of the aspects of this type of play that I stress when lecturing is that it is absolutely vital that the person who is living in a body that leaves them vulnerable to racism and bigotry absolutely needs to take the lead on these scenes, ESPECIALLY if they are “bottoming” (receiving) the sensation or consensual “abuse.” The reality is, consent and trust are absolutely vital to BDSM scenes. I do not know if you held this dark fantasy as your own prior to meeting a Black FWB who trusted you enough to reveal this fantasy and flesh it out with you along for the ride. But for some folks, that fantasy isn’t enough, and giving room to the fantasy in the real world becomes a goal. A solid deposit into the “spank bank” is never a bad thing. For the vast majority of people, the Very Dark Stuff remains firmly in the realm of fantasy. Most people with edgy or darker desires do not wake up one day and say, “Hey, you know, today, I will be really turned on by a rape fantasy, even though such a thing has never occurred to me before!” These are aspects of ourselves we discover, unearth, stumble upon and then must reckon with … or not. Between his stink and your sensibilities is a zone where you can both feel comfortable.Īin’t that the ultimate quandary? Our desires often eschew manners, political correctness, common sense, and sometimes even our own moral or ethical compasses. There are people out there who would gladly accept his unshook biddy, but you aren’t one of them, and relationships are negotiations right down to the level of funk we wish to receive from our partners. Tell him that you love him and you love his body, but like all bodies, sometimes his gets a little too rank for your taste. Many people enjoy their partner’s general smell without wanting to set up camp under their foreskin and make friends with smegma. But I think he’s got an extreme, “You’re either with me or against me” attitude that’s actually not particularly reasonable. He clearly is aware of what it is to be judged for his odor he knows what it is to stink. I don’t think that asking him to shake a little more is severe or insensitive, but he did, so if you want him to work with you, you’re going to have to work with him. Have the conversation when you aren’t about to have sex, and lead with compassion. I love him and I love his body, but I don’t love the very, very preventable smells that’ve made their way into my life. When is the time? I don’t think I could’ve kept going. He felt I was being mean, and that cuddle foreplay was not the time to make these pointers. I lifted my head up and said, “Baby, ya gotta shake a little more.” It was a nonstarter. But as we kept at it, all I could think about was the sweet, sweet smell of urea that was permeating my sheets. For example, this morning things were starting to get frisky until I poked my head under the covers and breathed in through my nose. But how do I say it without tearing down the prideful confidence walls he’s built up for the love of his body? I’ve definitely hinted at it, and it did not go over so well.
This is all to say that I feel grossed out when I smell it in bed, and it turns me off. But he’s OK with his undies smelling like pee when he doesn’t shake his biddy out enough, and he’s OK with his armpits being riper than brown bananas. He’s nice, smart, funny, sexy, and has a great zest for life. That sounds great, unless you run 14K every day without deodorant. That was until he reached a point of nirvana where he had fully accepted his body and all the smells that come with it, the present. He was the stinky kid in middle school that didn’t get the deodorant hint and was subject to years of teasing followed by years of insecurity-driven meticulous grooming. Anyway, I think it’s a point of pride for him. The funny thing is that he actually told me about this column. Not all the time, but enough days that I’ve found myself here.
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THE DICK SMELLS LIKE CHEESE WHY AM I GAY HOW TO
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.